Archive for May, 2006

Paul Merton’s Impro Chums

Friday, May 26th, 2006 / Gigs, Quotes / View blog reactions

Paul Merton's Impro ChumsPaul Merton’s Impro Chums

I’ve been a fan of Paul Merton since I started watching Have I Got News For You a couple of years ago. His style of improvised comedy suits the program perfectly. The producers of the show give him free reign to venture off on surreal tangents. When I heard that he was going to be at The Lowry I booked a ticket immediately.

Just to make the journey less interesting I checked the directions page on The Lowry web-site. I certainly didn’t want to be driving around trying to summon any sense I may have of direction as I did going to see Rich Hall.

I arrived about an hour before show time and had a wander around the Outlet Mall and the Quays. Practically all the shops were closed. I was looking in the window of one closed shop, an autograph/collectors kind of store. The item that caught my eye was a case containing one of the guitars that Nine Inch Nails have been auctioning for Katrina charities on eBay. The instruments in question are all beyond repair having been deemed casualties of the live show and are all signed by the band. They all have wining bids of over $1,000 so I don’t know how much this display item would cost. There was no price on it. It was mounted in a glass case with a couple of CD covers, a tour itinerary and a little brass plaque showing the concert that the guitar was from. It was certainly a surprise to see one in Salford.

7:30pm, or thereabouts, Paul Merton walked on stage and introduced his chums for the evening - Jim Sweeney, Richard Vranch, Lee Simpson, Suki Webster and special guest chum, Steve Steen. The show, being improvised, is different every night. Someone on stage asks a section of the audience for an Olympic sport, a kitchen item and a film style and the chums have to improvise a scene. They do have various ‘games’ that they play. At one point Paul Merton was led out of the theatre, so that he could hear what was being said. The audience were asked for an occupation and various other things. We came up with ‘The man who grouts the tiles on the space shuttle Tracy with porridge using a spoon’, Paul then had to guess what this was based on the improvised routines. I think you really had to be there.

The other interesting routine was we had to name an Olympic sport and an animal. The javelin and a goat was selected from the various suggestions. Three of the chums then played the part of a professor who was a leading authority on teaching goats to throw javelins. They all had to act the same and when Paul asked them questions the first one would say a word then the second the next and so on. So even the three playing the part didn’t know where the routine was going to go or what to say next.

It’s okay for me to say the odd funny line here or there but to be funny on cue must be a little draining. I guess the more practice that you have, as an improvisational comedian, the easier it is. They have nothing but my admiration.

On Sundays and Wednesdays in London I meet up with my mates, have a laugh and get paid for it. It is the best job in the world.Jim Sweeney

Related Links
Comedy Store Players
Paul Merton - BBC
Have I Got News For You - Wikipedia

They only bloody won…

Sunday, May 21st, 2006 / Music, TV Shows / View blog reactions

LordiLordi

Months ago Kerrang! magazine reported that the Finish band Lordi were going to enter the Eurovision Song Contest. At the time I couldn’t think why an established band would want to be a part of such a bland, saccharine competition. A 3 hour television programme dedicated to manufactured bands, people who can’t play instruments and people who can dance better than they can sing. What were they thinking?

Of course now it is all plainly clear. If want to subvert the system you have to do it from the inside. A Trojan guard once asked, “Did anyone order a big wooden horse?”.

I haven’t watched Eurovision since Brotherhood of Man many many moons ago. I tuned in last night and managed to catch the last few acts and the voting. Even though the voting is just some ‘C’ list announcer reciting a bunch of numbers they always try to appear chirpy and generally suck up to the ‘B’ list announcers who are running the show. They will always vote for the countries that are their neighbours so if they get invaded, for whatever reason, they can always say, “But we gave you high marks in Eurovision!!”. Which would obviously be enough to make any invading force do a swift u-turn.

Personally I’d like to see a Eurovision Band Contest. The rules being that you have to play instruments, no backing tracks, no tapes, no showing up with your music on an iPod, you have to play and perform your song live. What a novel concept for a music competition!

I really hope that this changes the contest for the better. There must be thousands of signed, or even unsigned bands, out there who would now think about entering. Lordi could well have opened the floodgates. Long may they reign.

Programming Ruby

Saturday, May 20th, 2006 / Book Review, Ruby/Ruby on Rails / View blog reactions

Programming RubyProgramming Ruby

  • Dave Thomas with Chad Fowler and Andy Hunt
  • Programming

In my professional capacity, as a programmer of long standing, I’ve used a few languages :- Pascal, Cobol, Silicon Office, Focus and currently Informix 4gl/Four J’s and ASP.NET. Some I’ve liked using, some I’ve hated with passion. Visual Basic I tinkered with for a while at home and I just thought it was vile. Having a little bit of code embedded in a field on a tab of a property of a button just did not appeal to me at all. I am a little ‘old-school’ in that regard. I like to be able to open the program in a text editor and know that the reason it isn’t working is in the file somewhere. And the fact that I hate using a mouse to edit programs with doesn’t help.

Last December I decided to learn Ruby on Rails and bought the Agile Web Development with Rails book. I worked through the first hundred pages or so but felt that I need to know more about Ruby as a language before I moved onto Rails. Some people have programmed Rails without the need to learn Ruby but I’ve come from a procedural development background instead of an object orientated one.

This book is the definitive guide to the Ruby language and is sometimes call the PickAxe after the cover photo. It deals with all facets of Ruby from the initial tutorial, for people new to the language like me, to the comprehensive reference section at the back detailing all the methods, classes and modules.

I must admit that I struggled a little at first. Not because of a problem with the book more a problem with trying to get my rapidly ageing brain cells to think in new and different ways. Having just a couple of hours in the evening didn’t exactly help either. But I did manage to read everything up to the reference section, so that I knew what the language was capable of. The more I read the more depressed I became. Realising that one line of code in Ruby could take me hours to code using 4gl at work just to perform the same task. You really are spoilt rotten by what the language can do.

It’s a book that you will always have to hand because of the reference section at the back. As a programmer, there is nothing better than flicking through a user manual and finding something new about the language that you thought you knew so well. In that regard this book will be invaluable.

Pregnant at 11

Friday, May 12th, 2006 / Moans, News, Quotes / View blog reactions

Lots of practice“Lots of practice”

Words fail me.

According to the BBC and other media today an 12 year old girl is due to give birth next month. She apparently became pregnant at the age of 11 when she had unprotected sex with a 15 year old boy. GMTV this morning reported that she was drunk at the time. Which isn’t surprising as she is said to smoke up to 20 cigarettes a day.

“I think I’ll be able to cope as I’ve had lots of practice looking after my brothers,” she said in an interview. “I’m enjoying being pregnant - even though I get a bit of a sore back and sore ribs.”

Has no one mentioned to this girl that the birth will be like having a bowling ball ripped out of her lower intestine.

Thankfully the ‘father’ has been charged with rape but what good will that do? With the judicial system in this country he’ll get a pat on the head and a book token for showing initiative. Now, it’s an extreme view, but I think he should be castrated. Spending the rest of his life sitting down to have a pee would remind him of his complete and utter stupidity.

I’m starting to think that it’s genetic. If a girl has children in her teens then those children will be more likely to have children while still too young. If your parents never had children then the chances of you having any are real slim.

But I’ll tell you this. Where’s this idea that childbirth is a miracle came from. Ha, I missed that fucking meeting, okay? “It’s a miracle, childbirth is a miracle.” No it’s not. No more than a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass. It’s a chemical reaction, that’s all it fucking is. If, you wanna know what a miracle is: raisin’ a kid that doesn’t talk in a movie theatre. Okay, there, there, there is a goddamn miracle. It’s not a miracle if every nine months any yin yang in the world can drop a litter of these mewling cabbages on our planet. And just in case you haven’t seen the single mom statistics lately, the miracle is spreading like wild-fire. “Hallelujah!” Trailer parks and council flats all over the world just filling up with little miracles. Thunk, thunk, thunk, like frogs laying eggs. “Thunk, look at all my little miracles, thunk, filling up my trailer like a sardine can. Thunk. You know what would be a real miracle, if I could remember your daddy’s name, aargh, thunk. I guess I’ll have to call you Lorry Driver Junior. Thunk. That’s all I remember about your daddy was his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me shooting his caffeine ridden semen into my belly to produce my little water-headed miracle baby, urgh. There’s your brother, Pizza Delivery Boy Junior.”Bill Hicks

Sour Grapes

Friday, May 12th, 2006 / Apple, Microshite® / View blog reactions

iPod - the planets favouriteiPod - the planets favourite

It’s like déjà vu all over again.

The most common format of music on an iPod is ’stolen’.Steve ‘Monkey Boy‘ Ballmer - CEO Microsoft - 4th October 2004

If you want interoperable music today, there is a very easy solution: it’s called stealing. The average number of songs sold for the iPod is 25, and there are many more songs on iPods than 25. About half the music on iPods is music obtained illegitimately either from an illegal peer-to-peer networks or from ripping friends’ CDs, which is illegal. But it’s the only way to get non-copy protected, portable, interoperable music.Rob Glaser - Real Networks - 11th May 2006

Johnny Eck & Friend

Tuesday, May 9th, 2006 / Media / View blog reactions

The Dresden Dolls at The Academy 2

Saturday, May 6th, 2006 / Gigs / View blog reactions

The Dresden DollsThe Dresden Dolls
by Lisa Lunskaya Gordon

As always I arrived in Manchester at least a couple of hours before the show. I would much rather walk around, to kill some time, than to sit in a traffic jam panicking that I’d miss something, or not get a spot near the front.

The people queuing outside the Academy 2 were predictably young and ‘goth’ like. One ‘goth’ girl in front of me couldn’t stop talking the whole time that I was waiting. She actually pointed out an older gentleman further up in the queue saying, “Yeah, look at him, that old bloke smoking!”. It’s as if she thought that there should be an age limit to liking certain kinds of music. That only the young and trendy should be allowed out at night to see their favourite bands. If such a limit was enforced it should be an IQ limit or an attitude limit instead of one based on age. Fortunately or unfortunately I was within earshot so she didn’t talk to her mates about me. These mates, by the way, were behind us in the queue and she invited them all to join her. Don’t mind me, or ask if it’s okay! Judging from the scars on her forearm she had problems.

So it was quite interesting, as always, just standing there in the drizzle watching the people go by. A few people were dressed suitably for the occasion. A couple of men wearing bowler hats, one of them even wearing stockings, short trousers and white face paint. One chap was dressed in a suit and had a top hat on his head (were else!) and I’m sure I recognised him. It must have been at the Rollins show at the Academy because I’ve only been out twice this year.

Of course it was only later that I would recognise the two members of Bang On walking by and also two members of DeVotchKa getting out of a cab.

After what seemed like ages we, or rather me and everyone else, were let into the building out of the rain. Only to have to queue again to get into the hall itself, which strangely enough, is upstairs. The Academy 2 must be about the same size as the assembly hall at my old school. The gig was supposed to be in the Academy 3, which by its name alone, must be even smaller still. Probably about the size of my living room!

I was stood in a pretty good spot, just right of centre about ten feet from the stage. The gaggle of girls (what is the collective noun for a group of ‘goths’?) were stood, more or less, at the front but on the far right next to the speaker stacks. Why would anyone want to stand there instead of in the middle where you can see all of the stage?

From the ‘Show Time’ notices outside the opening band weren’t going to start until 8:30pm. So I was cursing the fact that it was still 40 minutes before I’d see any live music. My legs were aching, my back was aching, hell it must be my age!

Thankfully Amanda Palmer came on and introduced Bang On.

She had seen them performing at the Edinburgh Festival and had asked Katie and Dave to open for them. They make a great sound using unconventional instruments, which is essentially anything that will make a noise. Yes, I’ve never seen guitars played like that before. Bang On apparently played for nothing. Not even getting money for transportation, so a huge bucket, bright orange naturally, was passed around and I dumped a handful of coins into it.

After a quick set change DeVotchka were on next. Their web-site is having a make-over but they do have a MySpace page.

They have something of an eclectic sound. It’s kind of gypsy folk music with an eastern European kind of feel to it. What is surprising is that they come from Denver Colorado in the US. I, personally, have never seen an accordion being played on stage before let alone a tuba. They played their own material and, I think, ‘Venus In Furs’ by The Velvet Underground & Nico, because I spotted the “shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather” line.

AlexandrA was on next and she performed ‘air ballet’ on a red silk rope 12 feet in the air. I was thinking, whilst watching her twisting and swinging from this rope, how does someone practice that? Not because I want to, but because you just couldn’t attach a silk rope to the roof in your garage and start hanging around.

After a quick set-up The Dresden Dolls finally walk on stage, hand in hand throwing flowers into the crowd. Behind their respective instruments Amanda and Brian start to play ‘Sex Changes’ from the new album ‘Yes, Virginia…’. I must confess that when I listened to the CD for the first time it didn’t really sink in. I remember feeling disappointed. But after repeated plays the music really does get under your skin the same way that the last album did. They played ‘Backstabber’, ‘Dirty Business’, ‘Mrs. O’ and ‘Mandy Goes to Med School’ from the new album. ‘Coin-Operated Boy’, ‘Half Jack’, ‘Girl Anachronism’ and ‘The Jeep Song’ from the last album. As well as ‘War Pigs’ and two other cover songs that I didn’t recognise. There are no doubt a few songs that I’ve missed.

I sang along and smiled and bobbed my head along with the music. I had a great old time. Amanda hit the keyboard keys so damned hard. That can’t possibly be the same keyboard that she punished when they supported Nine Inch Nails, can it? Brian, the drummer, was just a sight to behold, part of the reason why I was slightly to the right of centre. He just hits the drum-kit so hard you wouldn’t believe. Throwing his sticks up in the air and not even bothering to catch them. He does make a hell of a sound from what must, for drummers, be considered a minimal kit.

Everyone sang along to ‘Coin-Operated Boy’ and I tried valiantly to sing all of the ’skip’ part but gave up about 4 repeats from the end. That was just through fear of passing out. There was practically a mosh pit when they played ‘Girl Anachronism’. I never thought that I’d see so much flailing hair tonight. Because of some curfew they couldn’t play for much longer. They were about to play the last song when some people behind me started shouting. Even I couldn’t work out what they were asking for. Amanda and Brian could decipher the request and they played ‘The Jeep Song’ as if their lives depended on it.

The show would have been perfect if they had dropped the two cover songs that I didn’t know. Only because there was a noticeable lull. Some people did sing along but obviously I wasn’t one of them. So I really wish they had played two of their own songs instead. ‘First Orgasm’ is one of my favourites off the new album. I mean I don’t think they even played the new single ‘Sing’. But maybe they were going to do that before ‘The Jeep Song’ was unexpectedly moved to the top of the playlist.

One thing that always bugs me is the fact that people go to concerts and stand completely still. They don’t sing or respond to the music in any way. Hell they don’t even applaud between songs. Which I think is a little disrespectful in a way.

One girl, who looked about two months past twelve, just stood there smoking her cigarettes. If you want to do that you can do it in any pub or pedestrianised town centre in the land! Just stay away from concerts.

A boy in front of me had his arms around his girlfriend for so long that I thought he was just using her for support. Then again maybe he was. Quit being so damned possessive!

The other thing which spoilt the proceedings for me was the drunken idiot(s) who shouted out during the performance. Amanda and Brian just ignored them, and rightly so, you don’t want to give the knuckle dragging Neanderthals any kind of attention.

After seeing them last year I knew that The Dresden Dolls wouldn’t disappoint, and they didn’t. The new material is on a par or better than the last album and they always put on a great show.

Now, does anyone know were I can buy a bowler hat?

Related Links
Lame Squad: Oh what a night - Fame at last (and my good side to).
eGigs.co.uk - review by Kirsty Umback
eGigs.co.uk - photos by Kirsty Umback

Well good-bye girls, Veronique… Cindy…

Thursday, May 4th, 2006 / TV Shows / View blog reactions

3rd Rock From The Sun - Season 6Amazon.co.uk

At least once a year I like to watch Seasons 1 to 6 of 3rd Rock From The Sun. This evening I finished watching the last episode of the last season. I watched the interviews on the last disc and I was amazed that French Stewart has eyeballs and can open his eyelids! Over the six seasons I don’t think that I saw his character, Harry Solomon, open his eyes once. Damn it!

Obviously the last 5 minutes are the most heartrending. Knowing that they are going to have to file a final earth report to The Big Giant Head for the very last time.

Here, for the first time on the internet, are the lyrics to the anthem they sing in The Rambler before being beamed up.

Across the void we come a warping
Across the fields of stars we soar
We pledge to land and something something
Dum da da da dum da da da spaceship

And when at last our missions finished
In duty homeward shall we fly
Our glory cannot be diminished
Back to the heavens in our mighty spaceship

It very nearly brought a tear to my old glass-eye… the one I keep in a shoe box in the wardrobe.